


Lost in the Sneeze

by Go_Placidly



Series: Sliding Doors - Lucifer Canon Divergence [1]
Category: Lucifer (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Chloe Decker Finds Out, Episode: s01e04 Manly Whatnots, F/M, Lucifer Morningstar (Lucifer TV) Devil Reveal, POV Chloe Decker, Pre-Chloe Decker/Lucifer Morningstar, episode: s01e04 manly whatnots AU, sliding doors - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-01
Updated: 2020-10-01
Packaged: 2021-03-07 17:21:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,332
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26741302
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Go_Placidly/pseuds/Go_Placidly
Summary: You know what? Screw it! Lucifer wants to put me on the spot like this? Well, two can play at this game.Chloe smirked as she started toward the still-turning Lucifer. She didn’t actually have a plan for what she was going to do or say. If she had thought about it for longer than a second, she probably would’ve called herself off of the endeavor. It was one thing to flirt – pretend to flirt! – with a fully-clothed Lucifer at his piano in the middle of a busy nightclub and another thing entirely to do…whatever she was going to do here.--------------------------------------In which "Sliding Doors" -- the author's guilty pleasure -- inspires her to change one,tinything from THAT SCENE in "Manly Whatnots" and contemplate what effect that could have on our favorite Devil and Detective.
Relationships: Chloe Decker/Lucifer Morningstar
Series: Sliding Doors - Lucifer Canon Divergence [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1946458
Comments: 15
Kudos: 101





	Lost in the Sneeze

**Author's Note:**

> Full disclosure: I'm a sucker for "Sliding Doors" and its glorious John Hannahness. There are a lot of (awesome) AUs for the "bigger" moments from _Lucifer_ , but I wanted to make a seemingly innocuous change to canon to see where it took me. This is the result. Dad help us and hope you enjoy! FYI: the "teen" rating is because there's a couple swears. Which don't bother _me_ (I have been known to swear like a sailor on shore leave), but I don't want to be responsible for the complete ruination of any innocent ten-year-olds (ten-year-old me _also_ swore like a sailor on shore leave, but that's beside the point). [Unbeta'd, any mistakes are my cat's fault for distracting me with her cuteness.]

_Once more unto the breach, Decker, once more._

Chloe couldn’t help the wry chuckle that escaped her as she stepped into the elevator at Lux and pressed the button to take her up to the penthouse. If someone had told her that the untimely death of a pop star would set off a chain of events leading to her unlikely partnership with an infuriating, narcissistic, delusional maniac of a club owner who believed himself to be the Devil, she would have laughed in that person’s face. That was before said club owner saved her life after half a dozen shots to his back. Before he threw a 200-pound man through a window, as easily as one would throw a football. Before he broke into her house to make her an omelet, before waving a piece of bacon at Trixie in either an attempt to hypnotize her or in the mistaken belief that her child was a wayward puppy.

As the elevator doors opened into the darker-than-normal penthouse, Chloe wondered if it was too late to abandon her career with the LAPD to return to the sanity and calm of life under the Hollywood spotlight and the watchful glare of the paparazzi. She shook that thought off, calling into the dark room for her partner’s – no, _not_ her partner! Just a guy who helped solve a case or three – attention.

“Uh…hello! Uh…Lucifer!”

It only took a second for Lucifer’s reply to drift across the silent room. “Be there in a moment. Just getting ready.”

“Okay. Uh, did you do what I told you to do and call Carver about the Player’s Club?”

“Make yourself a drink, Detective.”

Oh, no no no! There would be none of _that_ , thank you very much. Their relationship – no, _not_ a relationship! Chloe and Lucifer had no more of a relationship than one has with a particularly annoying neighborhood stray that keeps showing up at your door just because you fed it tuna _one time_ – was complicated enough as it was. “No! No. No more drinks, no more blurred lines, no more _breaking into my house_ or trying to sleep with me. Look, this is a _professional relationship._ I am a police officer and you…” Chloe drifted off as she finally spotted Lucifer. A grinning Lucifer. A grinning, _completely naked_ Lucifer. Oh, dear God. What in the great googly fuck was happening? Chloe _knew_ she should have kept Lucifer in custody after he threatened 2Vile, but _no_ , she had to keep him around to help solve Delilah’s murder because he intrigued her – no, he didn’t intrigue her, he simply proved useful in an active investigation. That was _it._

Chloe suddenly realized that she had been maintaining unbroken eye contact with Lucifer’s crotch for a good five seconds. ‘Gaping’ may have been the best word for that, actually, as she was pretty sure her lower jaw was at her ankles. Her daughter would probably have told her she looked like Surprised Pikachu. So sue her. Lucifer may have been the single most frustrating man she had ever met, but Chloe wasn’t _blind. Oh. Oh, shit. It’s been another five seconds and I_ still _haven’t said anything. If I stay silent any longer, Lucifer’s never going to let me live this one down. Quick! Think of something clever to say!_ “…are naked! Oh!” _Perfect. What a stunningly impressive retort._

“Speaking of my surprise visit yesterday,” Lucifer surprisingly avoided calling Chloe out on her flustered response, “I decided turnabout’s fair play. Y’know, tit for tat sort of thing.” Lucifer chuckled as he gestured between them.

After taking a few seconds to regain her composure, Chloe was able to scoff at Lucifer, “This is _beyond_ inappropriate.” _Oh, good. At least I’ve stopped narrating events as they happen._

“And _brave_ , wouldn’t you say? Number three on the CKC list: take risks!” 

Was Lucifer seriously taking advice from a dude whose biggest pearl of wisdom was that women were ‘fluffy bunnies’? Chloe huffed, cleared her throat, and turned to Lucifer’s outrageously comfortable couch to grab the first piece of appropriate fabric that she could find. As she returned her full attention to Lucifer, she realized her critical error: her full attention was back on the naked club owner, completely wrecking her fragile composure. Once more, Chloe found herself gaping at Lucifer _slightly_ longer than was acceptable among polite company. Chloe chuckled uncomfortably, “Okay! Just…Lucifer, put some frickin’ clothes on!”

“Alright. But…seriously, darling, are you well? The berries are ripe and ready to be harvested!” Lucifer’s bizarre exclamation prompted Chloe to uncork a truly epic eyeroll. It was a much-needed lifeline, pulling her to the stable and familiar ground of complete exasperation at her non-partner, instead of the thunderstruck gaping of the previous few minutes. Lucifer went on, oblivious, “I mean, look at me! Eh?” Lucifer nodded to himself, and began a slow turn to show off his assets, like a human prize on _The Price is Right_. 

_You know what? Screw it! Lucifer wants to put me on the spot like this? Well, two can play at this game._

Chloe smirked as she started toward the still-turning Lucifer. She didn’t actually _have_ a plan for what she was going to do or say. If she had thought about it for longer than a second, she probably would’ve called herself off of the endeavor. It was one thing to flirt – _pretend_ to flirt! – with a fully-clothed Lucifer at his piano in the middle of a busy nightclub and another thing entirely to do…whatever she was going to do here. Mercifully, before Chloe could say anything, she doubled over in a loud, violent sneeze.

“De _tec_ tive! How does such a delicate mouth produce such a _monstrous_ sound?” Lucifer sounded positively scandalized. “Are you in need of a specialist? There are a couple who owe me a favor, we can get you sorted in no time.”

Moment broken, Chloe was able, finally, to firmly set aside Lucifer’s nakedness. “Lucifer, you should get dressed, otherwise we’ll miss the party. And if we miss this party, or you didn’t make the call, you’re going to find out _very quickly_ just how _monstrous_ I can be.” 

“Ooh, is that a _promise_ , Detective?”

“Lucifer, I swear to Go—”

“Please don’t bring my Father into this,” Lucifer interjected, with a heavy sigh. “ _Yes_ , I made the call. And _yes_ , the party’s at Lux. Turns out the words ‘open bar’ are indeed effective. So, good on ya.”

“Okay.”

Lucifer turned to run up the stairs into his bedroom, before a sudden realization brought him short. He gestured to Chloe’s outfit. “Can’t go wearing _that_ scruffy little getup, you’ll stick out like a sore cop.”

Somehow Chloe was able to simultaneously look down at her clothes _and_ roll her eyes at the man before her. She’d never admit it, but she also had to repress a grin at the return of the status quo between them. “What do you propose we do about that? Because if you think I’m gonna go shopping in your closet—”

Looking like the proverbial cat with the canary, Lucifer didn’t give Chloe a chance to finish her thought. “Don’t be like that, Detective! I have the _perfect_ dress for you.” He turned, once more, to make his way back up the stairs.

“Ugh. _Fine_. But if I get an STD from this ‘perfect dress’ of yours, I’m going to kill you.” 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Chloe rolled her eyes as she checked how much longer they had to wait in the car. If Lucifer ruined their chances at ensuring Lindsay Jolson’s safe return, she was going to kill him. She would have been more worried about her newfound murderous urges had she not spent much of the last month wrangling the weirdo.

Lucifer’s voice broke the silence. “Ten more minutes. Patience.”

She shook her head. It wasn’t just the wait that had her on edge. “Somethin’ doesn’t feel right.”

“Of course it doesn’t, it’s a kidnapping,” Lucifer seemed unfazed and turned the bag of chips in her direction. “Cool Ranch Puff?”

“No, thanks.” Given his zest for devouring those snacks, Chloe had no idea how he managed to maintain his lithe frame, but knew she wouldn’t have that luxury. Maybe he really _was_ the Devil.

“No? It’s funny, isn’t it: you’d think the King of Hell would be more of a Flamin’ Hot guy,” Lucifer contemplated the little Ranch Puff in his hand as if it contained the secrets to his universe. Knowing him, perhaps it did. “But I love these bad boys.”

“Okay!” Chloe chuckled, once again in awe at how tightly Lucifer clung to his Devil schtick. She still wasn’t sure what his deal was. Aside from this delusion, he seemed normal – relatively – in every other respect, and Chloe couldn’t deny that he had proven _somewhat_ helpful in three of her latest cases. Once you ignored his inclination to endanger, hurl, or render suspects insane. She just couldn’t understand what would possess a rich, successful, handsome (in the right light, with his mouth shut, if you squinted) man to tell the world that he was the Prince of Darkness. Childhood trauma? Cosplay gone wrong? Hidden camera reality show? Chloe knew her next words were probably a mistake, but she _had_ to figure out his seeming imperviousness to bullets, Superman strength, and whatever was up with that weird eye-hypno _thing_ that he did. “Let’s say you really _are_ the Devil: all powerful, immortal, blah blah blah. Does that mean you don’t feel pain at all?”

From the sudden glee in his eyes, Chloe decided that the only way she could have made Lucifer happier in that moment would have been to accept one of his indecent proposals and suggest that he invite Maze along. Sure enough: “Mmm, I _like_ this line of questioning!” He positively _purred_ at Chloe. “Does this mean you’re finally coming around?”

“No,” Chloe said with a little shake of her head and a grin, “just answer the question.”

“Well, I-I do feel something, but it’s not _pain_ so much as pressure. A nuisance, really.”

“Okay. So, what does it feel like if you get shot?” Chloe waited a moment as Lucifer contemplated the best way to answer her question. He apparently decided that actions spoke louder than words as he suddenly flicked Chloe on the arm. “Ow.”

“Well, you asked,” Lucifer smirked at Chloe, but couldn’t hide his delight that the Detective was seemingly still taking the concept of his infernal origins seriously.

“But that’s it? Like a bullet just bounces off you?” That _would’ve been nice three weeks ago._

“Well, there’s no wound or blood, if that’s what you mean. You can verify with something sharp, if you’d like.”

 _If I’d like? Oh, you have no idea_ just _how much I’d_ like _, at times._ “No, that’s not necessary. It’s tempting, though,” Chloe grinned.

“So, does this mean that you believe me? I’m afraid I can’t offer anything obvious – like a tail – as proof.” Though his words were light, there was a tightness and forced nonchalance to Lucifer’s words. This was the second time Lucifer wanted Chloe to confirm a newfound belief in Lucifer’s Devilishness. She had no idea why, but it was apparent that Chloe’s acceptance was important to him.

Still, Chloe was determined to keep things light. “And so, no horns.” _Pity. Horns could come in handy and where in the_ world _did_ that _thought come from?_

“No, afraid not. That’s the stuff of movies and TV. They always get it wrong.”

“Well, look, I-I have to admit,” Chloe laughed, uncomfortably, partly in embarrassment that she seemed to be taking any of this seriously, at all. “I’ve seen some things I can’t explain, but…I don’t believe in all that Bible stuff.”

Lucifer widened his eyes in surprise. “So, you’re an atheist. How ironic!”

“No. Not exactly. I do believe there’s good. And evil. And right and wrong. But the whole ‘fiery damnation’ thing? No.”

“Does it scare you?”

“Oh, I mean, how can I be scared of something that I don’t believe in?”

“Do _I_ scare you?”

Chloe’s initial instinct was to respond with a sarcastic retort, par for the course in their relationship. Something about his tone of voice, however, prompted her to take a hard look into his dark eyes. She was reminded of one of their earliest conversations at Lux, when she had trusted him with her doubts and insecurities over her Palmetto-induced ostracization. She was taken back to a hospital bed, waking after Jimmy Barnes’ failed murder attempt. Chloe was reminded, once again, why she continued to allow this man to worm his way into her life: these glimpses of sincerity and – dare she say – a subtle softness that seemed to belie his playboy persona. It was this sincerity that stopped Chloe’s quick, glib reply. Though Lucifer would sooner wear a cheap cotton-poly blend than admit it, Chloe’s “notable instincts” told her that her answer _mattered_ to him, so she gave it more than a passing thought.

Lucifer was certainly dangerous. He may well be the most dangerous person Chloe had ever encountered, and she arrested suspected murderers for a living. His danger was more…primal. He was the circus lion with the mischievous glint in his eyes because he knew – he _knew_ – that at any moment of _his_ choosing, he could snap his jaws shut and the lion tamer would cease to exist, except in his loved ones’ fading memories. Chloe realized, with a growing certainty, that the _only_ reason she was able to strongarm Lucifer around Los Angeles was because _he_ allowed it. And yet…after a few seconds of contemplation, Chloe also knew, with equal conviction, what her answer was:

“No.” 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

As Chloe walked through the industrial space, annoyed that Lucifer had given her the slip, she could hear snippets of frantic conversation and drew closer. Lucifer, the gigantic _idiot_ , seemed to be terrorizing…Lindsay Jolson? Their kidnapping _victim_? It certainly sounded like her voice, from the video that Chloe had watched a dozen times to get a read on the young woman.

“Oh, God, I’m sorry!” 

“Sorry?” 

“Please don’t hurt me!” The girl sobbed and she sounded absolutely _terrified._ Chloe increased her pace as she silently crept closer.

“Why does everyone say that before they’re punished?” Lucifer’s tone sent a shiver down Chloe’s spine. It was becoming increasingly apparent that _someone_ was about to lose their head to the lion.

“Don’t kill me!”

Finally, Chloe had the group in her sight, and was met with one of the oddest scenes she could remember. Lucifer was the only person standing. Carver Cruz was writhing and moaning on the ground in pain, and both Jolsons looked to be absolutely terrified, particularly Lindsay, who was weeping as Lucifer slowly advanced on her. In that moment, Chloe could _absolutely believe_ she was looking at the King of Hell. “Lucifer…don’t move.”

“Detective, you should leave.” His voice was silk. Temptation itself. A siren’s call. _Every_ instinct told Chloe to leave, to run away while she still had a chance. But part of her training was to ignore these urges. To run _in_ where most would run _out._ Her confidence that Lucifer was not to be feared had evaporated, but she kept her gun trained on him as she glanced, for a moment, into a shiny surface that reflected his face.

One second. One second was all it took for Chloe’s world to flip.

Scratch that.

One second was all it took for Chloe’s world to implode, melt like a Nazi opening the Ark of the Covenant, go supernova, burst into the fiery flames of Damnation, and _then_ flip.

One second was all it took for Lucifer’s face to morph from “handsome club owner” to “burned in a lake of fire.”

Nope. No, no, no. Impossible. 

Chloe nearly dropped her gun in her shock, but managed to hold on long enough to form a coherent question. “Who are you? _What_ are you? Did you do this?” 

“I’ve been trying to tell you: I’m the Devil.”

“No. That’s…that’s not possible.” Oh, look. Another complete sentence! Chloe would have been proud of herself if she wasn’t distracted by the flaming fragments of her world floating past her.

“I assure you, Detective, it _is_. I mean, you’ve said yourself, there are things you can’t explain. You need more proof? You’ve got the gun, come on, shoot me.” Lucifer’s glibness managed to punch through her shocked haze long enough to disturb her, and she barely kept herself together long enough to wave off his demented request.

“No. I can’t _shoot_ you!”

“Sure, you can! Go on, give her a good squeeze, we’ll be good to go.”

“No!” By this point, Chloe was near tears. Lucifer was goading her. She knew this. But it was all Chloe could do to stop herself from complying with his demand because the aura of danger that he exuded could probably be felt back in Hell, if it existed. Which it didn’t. It couldn’t. Because if it _did_ , fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu—

“Just shoot me, Detective! _Please_! Because maybe you’ll finally realize—”

Chloe didn’t know why she did it. Once her brain caught up with the rest of her, she may have been able to explain it away as the need to shoot Lucifer to prove that he was the Devil. But in _this_ moment, it was too much. She had a trio of terrified suspects on the ground, she had just seen a vision of a burned, scarred Lucifer, he was _yelling_ at her to _shoot him_ , and it was just…too much. She had a fleeting moment of sympathy for Jimmy Barnes, that murderous twerp, before she aimed at Lucifer’s left thigh and fired.

***BANG***

Now Chloe was _definitely_ making a Pikachu face as her shot rang out in the cavernous space.

Before she could even _begin_ to form a thought that didn’t end in “uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!” Lucifer gleefully pumped his fist in the air.

“Good for you! See? Hardly hurts!” If Chloe was in her right mind, she may have shot him _just_ for the shit-eating grin currently at home on his face.

“Wha—it doesn’t…hurt?”

“Nope!” He popped the ‘P’ as he bent to pluck the bullet from his leg. His _uninjured, perfectly intact, nonbleeding_ leg. Smiling triumphantly, Lucifer continued, “Now that that’s settled, Detective, what do you say…” he tapered off, the smile sliding off his face as he saw Chloe’s reaction.

Holy…holy fucking shit. Chloe knew she didn’t miss. She saw the hole in his jeans where she had shot him, to absolutely _no_ effect. Chloe saw Lucifer start to speak again, but it was just noise. He may as well have been speaking German. Hell (ha!), Chloe tried to say something and for all she knew, _she_ may have been speaking German. What did it matter? Devil, Teufel, Mephistopheles, Old Scratch…whatever you wanted to call him, he was standing in front of Chloe and had spent the last four weeks trying to get into her pants. Oh, look. The world was flipping again.

Lucifer sighed. “Oh, dear. Detective, you _did_ say you weren’t scared, earlier, so if it’s not too much trouble, can we move onto the ‘acceptance’ stage of the evening and bypass whatever meltdown you’re currently experiencing? I _have_ told you this entire time, after all, and I _did_ purposely spare you the Full Devil Monty that is my other face. You should be thrilled! Think of the baddies you’ll catch with your very own impervious-to-injury Crime Solving Devil by your side!”

Chloe may have been swayed by that argument, had she not heard a jumbled assortment of sounds may have sounded like “Ich habe es dir doch die ganze Zeit erzählt, und ich habe dich absichtlich verschont…” In any event, once her brain finished its forced reboot, Chloe was barely able to choke out the only response she could think: 

“It’s true. It’s all true!”

**Author's Note:**

> I chose to keep Chloe from spotting Lucifer's scars because I absolutely believe that it's that moment that triggers Lucifer's vulnerability around Chloe. Without that first "don't, please" crack in Luci's wall, Chloe's shot would've bounced harmlessly off Luci and we would've gotten a Chloe devil reveal three years early.
> 
> I have a couple of other Lucifer moments that I'd like to potentially tweak with this series, but if anyone out there has suggestions for little moments to give the "Sliding Doors" treatment, I'm all ears and would love to hear them.
> 
> Thanks for reading, I do hope you liked this!


End file.
